My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
