I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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