Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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