Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
