it wasn't lemon gatorade
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
