Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My life is pants optional.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
