Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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