Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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