Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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