I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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