youre lurking in front of me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
