I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
