dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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