if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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