everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
