I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
