I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
