Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
