A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
