how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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