Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
