well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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