I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
