not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
