dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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