he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
