Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
