Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wish my penis had a tongue
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
