I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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