alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
