WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
