I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
