"it" just moved
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
