giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
