Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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