Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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