Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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