Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
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I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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