my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
