if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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