Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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