My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
