you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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