So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
