I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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