Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize