Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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