I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
