I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
