Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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