now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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