actually, I'm a sock model
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
