her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Found your dick twin last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
