What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dear god my vagina.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
