You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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