either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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