I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
