If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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