I just pynch a tree in the face
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
