you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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