Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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