Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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