Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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