Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
