my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
